Fixing the Star Wars Prequels in 500 words or less

So, I have fond childhood memories of Star Wars trilogy, but you ever notice how the first one starts off as "Episode IV"? That implies that there are three whole episodes before the main trilogy! A... "prequel" trilogy, if you will. Wouldn't it be awesome if George Lucas made a Star Wars prequel trilogy? I bet it would be impossible to mess up!

I mean, c'mon, the original trilogy is hardly "original"--it's all written in broad archetypes (wizards, princesses, hero's journey, etc,)--frankly, you'd have to work hard just to mess it up.

Sticking with these broad archetypes, they frankly would only need to make this hypothetical "prequel" trilogy a mirror image of the originals. For example, in Episode III, you have Anakin Skywalker get in a light-saber duel with evil Jedi (for convenience, let's call him "Darth Maul" for now). Anakin's dressed in black and hiding in the shadows, when the Maul senses that Anakin has a love interest, and says "if you won't turn to the dark side, perhaps she will..." Anakin flips out, releases his anger, and beats Maul senseless.

It would be the exact same showdown as between Luke and Darth in "Return of the Jedi," except this time, when the Emperor goads him with "release your hatred," Anakin actually does the dirty deed and kills Maul. He realizes the power of dark side that alone could kill his enemy, becomes Darth Vader, goes on rampage killing the unsuspecting Jedi, and finally has to be defeated by former-master Obi Wan Kanobi.

All this would add greater pathos to the identical scene in "Return of the Jedi," as we now come to realize how close Luke was to repeating his father's greatest error. Such a scene would do what prequels, at their best, are supposed to do--deepen our appreciation for the original, help us see a well-worn flick with new eyes.

Of course, in order for this hypothetical Episode III scene to work, the entire prequel trilogy would have to follow similar mirror patterns. As such, Episode I would need to feature Anaken as a restless teenager yearning to escape his desert farm for some adventure. (The temptation might be to cast the future-Darth Vader as a precocious little 9-year-old, in order to make the film more "kid-friendly" and "maximize ancillary revenue streams" through toy sale tie-ins; but I think we can all agree that since the "Star Wars" franchise is already so insanely marketable, George Lucas could easily exercise the minimal self-restraint required).

But where's the existential threat, you may ask? The "evil Empire" is just so broadly archetypal that any origin story can't help but be hopelessly convoluted and ridiculous.

Easy, I gotcha covered: Princess Leia mentions "the clone wars" in episode IV--boom, you have a bunch of clones trying to take over Republic by replacing key leaders. They've already taken control of entire star-systems that have seceded from and declared war on the Republic; the Republic's key-leaders are being killed and replaced with clones who purposefully wage the war incompetently, threatening the Republic. Only the Jedi, using the force, are able to detect and kill the clones.

In fact, I would start off the cold-opening with a high-profile political assassination of, say, the Prime Minister, by Maul. The PM's clone is detected and killed by young Jedi knight Obi Wan, who quickly finds Maul, chasing him recklessly throughout the capital (remember that Obi Wan tells Yoda that he "was reckless once too, if you remember," so this scene would be consistent with his character, and again add pathos when we meet Obi Wan as an aged old man in Episode IV). Maul escapes but Obi Wan tracks him to distant Tatooine.

There, Obi Wan enlists restless young Anakin as a desert guide, recognizes Anaken's potential with the force, and convinces him to join the Jedi. Anaken's brother Owen discourages this, saying he has a "bad feeling" about this, immediately making Uncle Owen's character more sympathetic in episode IV; again, what a good prequel should do. Let's call Episode I "The Dark Side of the Force," both cause it sounds awesome, and would mirror the title of "A New Hope."

(Sadly, the first Star Wars must now forever be known by that unfortunate moniker; we must therefore be careful not to saddle any other episodes with such lame names as, say, "The Phantom Menace" or "Attack of the Clones" or anything laughable as that).

As a mirror of Episode V "Empire Strikes Back," let's call Episode II "The Rise of the Empire," so called because a retired Jedi Master has taken on emergency powers as PM, and declares Martial Law until this "crisis" is pass. Need I mention that the former-Jedi-master-turned-PM is actually the future-emperor, that he had his apprentice Darth Maul kill key-leaders so he could become PM, and engineered the clone-wars to distract the Jedi and create a state of emergency wherein he could consolidate power? No, I don't think I need to. Easy-peasy.

Also, let's avoid having Maul be a one-note, flat hit-man type by making him suave, debonair, eloquent, and seductive (that way, when Yoda says the dark side "isn't more powerful, only more seductive," we understand better what he means; again, what a good prequel should do). For example, let's have a meeting between Maul and Anaken, wherein Maul points out that the very tyranny he thinks he's fighting is occurring on his own side. Why, then, is Anakin so sure that he's fighting for the right side? Is there a right side? Maul argues that all that matters is gaining power, and "if only you knew the power of the dark side" and so forth. Anakin doesn't convert then, but his first doubts are planted.

Let's call Episode III "The Fall of the Jedi," to better set up the "Return" later. The emperor mercilessly crushes his own manufactured clone-revolt, and declares an empire that will not tolerate rebellion or dissent "that threatens the galactic peace" (there always has to be a rationale). Several star-systems secede in protest (otherwise, how does Leia's statement of "The more you tighten your grip, the more systems will slip through your fingers" make any sense?). A galactic civil war begins.

The major powers are united for a big confrontation with the empire, and, just as in the end of "Return of the Jedi," they are unaware that they are falling into a trap; and, that without the help of the recently-killed-off Jedi, are about to be resoundingly crushed. All this makes us realize how precarious the Rebel Alliance's position really was, and thus makes their eventual victory all that much sweeter (again, and I can't emphasize this enough, what a good prequel should do).

There also needs to be a love-interest (let's make her a fellow Jedi knight, to break away from this tired Princess-in-distress trope), and some sort of Han Solo character--not a carbon-copy mind you, just an outsider/normal-guy to keep everyone else grounded. And seriously, Obi Wan and Anakin's final duel should be, like, 20 minutes long and epic.

Now, the critics might write something like, "The new prequel trilogy performs the rare feet of enriching, instead of distracting from, the pathos of the originals. Nevertheless, one can't help but wonder what, in some alternate universe, a braver prequel trilogy might have looked like--one that was willing to take more creative risks with its own mythology and play more wildly with its origin stories. What would a truly unexpected prequel trilogy look like, one that didn't just echo and mirror scenes from the original?"

But believe me, alternate-universe movie critics, you don't want to know, you just don't want to know...