Merry Christmas, Chappy Chanukah, a kickin’ Kwanza, a solemn and dignified Ramadan, and Happy Gregorian New Year to all of our loved ones! It’s been a banner year, let us tell ya’ll what we’ve been up to!
David Harris had quite the surprise, when his experimental Quasar-detection-array accidently opened a portal to a parallel universe, one where everything good is evil and evil is good—where the Taliban is a group of pacifist, democratic feminists, and the Salvation Army is a cadre of anarcho-terrorists! Long story short, this portal led to a climactic battle to the death between evil-David and good-David. Fortunately, good-David triumphed, while our David was vanquished.
Brian Fabbi finally put his Middle-Eastern studies degree to use, and traveled to Tunisia to light himself on fire in front of a police station, thus igniting the Arab Spring. Miraculously, he survived, and continued on from country to country, fomenting rebellion in Egypt, Yemen, Libya and Syria, throwing rocks at cops and Molotov cocktails at tanks. He it was who shot an escaping Gaddafi in Libya. He is currently hunting down Bashar al-Assad in Syria.
Jacob Bender took a job teaching at-risk inner-city high-schoolers. Though they were initially suspicious of this “white cracka’,” he won their respect by breaking the arm of a drug-dealer first day of class—and then won their hearts with his inspiring deconstructions of Joyce. Jacob later deconstructed the entire drug operation, in a giant school-yard explosion he calmly walked away from without looking back. His students then all passed the AP exam.
Jon Buck, unsure of a direction in life, took a walk-about spiritual journey through the deserts of southern Utah. There, he stripped naked, lived off the land, smoked mad peyote, and communed with the universe. When a ravaging coyote tried to take him down, he wrestled it with his bare hands and ate its heart. Now a remorseless savage, he attends business school.
Tyler Bronson used his Taiwanese-Kung Fu ninja skills to hunt down Osama bin Laden. He tracked Osama all the way to northern Pakistan, and alerted Seal Team Six to his presence, for which Tyler still inexplicably apologized. Tyler was not he who shot Osama, but he did shoot the dog, which, depending on who you ask, was either kind of a dick move, or pretty awesome.
Eric Melonakos bridged the final frontier, death itself. He re-animated the brain-tissue of a rat that had been clinically dead for seven minutes. Wild with hubris, he used his mad science to bring a girlfriend to life with cadaver parts. Horrified, Eric ran screaming from his mountain laboratory. The monster then tried to kill Eric’s loved ones, but was destroyed in a burning wind-mill by a mob of angry German peasants. So Eric got a real girl-friend instead.
Happy Holidays!
Love, David, Brian, Jacob, Jon, Tyler, and Eric!
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