Student Letters to the Editor Re: Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"

This semester I'm having my students write a fictional Letter to the Editor in 1729, in response to Jonathan Swift's satirical "A Modest Proposal." Below are some of the choice excerpts:

•  "I vehemently protest the notion that you would eat young ones. As an alternative, I suggest that you sell the young ones to America instead. I implore you to sell your infant children to America so that we may eat them."
•  "It seems rather unfair to me that women of my age, past childbearing that is, will in no way benefit from this...Clearly, this Jonathan Swift did not think this through in a lady's perspective."
•  "Obviously my first concern, as I am sure many would agree, is the sanitation of the herd...We could make sure they are eating clean diets, and not eating rats and the like in their fits of hunger to feed their little dumplings."
•  "Creamy baby bisque, stuffed grape leaves with thinly sliced charred Irish leg of babe..."
•   "I would like to start a small business. It would be called, 'Made of humans, by humans, for humans!'"
•  "I propose that we choose these breeders carefully. Seek out the plumpest stud to breed with the plumpest dam."
•  "I believe that eating our own kind is sacred, it will give us all the power of our ancestors." (I wrote next to this one, "Wow, even for an essay on eating children, that took a dark turn!")
•  "Mr. Swift, We at the Board of Trade have closely scrutinized your proposal and have found it to satisfactory to the monetary needs of the British crown."
•  "Murdering and eating children is something that would land us all in hell. Now on the other hand, killing and eating the parents that failed to provide food for these children is a different story. Also, from my own personal experience, the meat of a full grown man is quite delicious...The females are not as enjoyable. I think it is because of their promiscuity."
• "Eatin little babbys makes no bloody sense. Little babbys have never had the chance to drink a pint of the dark stuff, or get bolloxed off their arses. They are so small and do very little in the way of filling my belly...If you eat all the wee ones, then who in the bloody hell will grow the spuds and serve the pints at pubs? Cop on Mister Swift. You know that the rich dopes won't get their hands dirty. They do nothing but act the maggot while we bogtrotters do all the heavy lifting...We must eat the ole wan's and fella's. They are all banjaxed and doing nothing but drawing the dole...They do nothing but smoke their fags and fill their nappys. The old shites should end their lives with a bloody purpouse. They should help fell the bellies of us snappers....Eating babbys is downright thick. If you think you can stand against the youth of Ireland you're one queer hawk. I hope you will join me and Ireland's finest boyos in spreading the grand idea of eating old wankers."
•  "The Pope has requested you republish the essay under the more accurate title, An Awesome Proposal...As you may not know, the Pope's favorite part of traveling is sampling the infant flesh of different nationalities. The Pope possesses a God-given palate and can discern the homeland of a baby's flesh with a single whiff; he refers to his immaculate sense of taste as his 'favorite Pope power.'"
•  Greatest anachronism: "It would be far better...to bring them safely in the land of the free, the United States of America." Modest Proposal was written in 1729.
•  "A law should be instituted limiting the amount of offspring a person is allowed to have based upon their means...Violators of the law shall be sold to noblemen and women as slaves." (I like that this one manages to be utterly horrifying yet still not nearly as horrifying as Swift!)
• "I am man of Formosa. I have long live here. Whole life. Hear white man often say people of Formosa barbarians stupid no-civilized. White man take power without ask. White man take power then misuse power. White man takes power and starve people take power from. White man let women and young starve."
•  "Is it not the duty of the high to make and utilize the capabilities of the low?...You do not feel pity for the cow, or sow, being led to the butcher, because in your heart you know that its purpose in life is being fulfilled...So why then would it be such an awful idea to entertain, to take agricultural logic to these purposeless plagues on society?"
•  "Greetings from Sector 11; I am Kronton, ruler of the Snicker Galaxy!"
•  "I am very aware the eye is a rather dull but very nutritious omelet substitute."
•  "A proposed eight schilling profit was suggested by Swift; but with my product selection, I can offer it at a mere five schillings." (Capitalism at its finest!)
•  "Some will come to oppose this proposition...To those, I suggest you take note: For every piece of product sold, three quarters of a schilling will be donated to better the health and food of the struggling Irish nation!" (That's about as biting a commentary on corporate philanthropy as I've read yet!) 

 And a host of other great student essays that I'm not even sure are printable.
 In summation: I think Jonathan Swift would be proud! Or horrified. Probably both.