Florida, We're Going To Have To Let You Go

A simple desultory philipic, cathartic in nature.

Yes Florida, come in, have a seat.

Is this about Trayvon, you ask?  Frankly Florida, Trayvon's only the latest in a long series of problems we've had out of you lately--though seriously, an armed adult who stalks, provokes, and shoots dead an unarmed black teenager gets off scot-free, while a black woman who fired mere warning shots at her abusive husband gets 20 years?   On the same day?!  Florida, seriously, what's your problem?

Yes, yes, all the states have problems Florida, and we're working on them, but they're nothing like the sheer volume of headaches we get out of you.  Honestly, we have other tropical states Florida, we have other high population states, but somehow you manage to exceed them all in total insanity.

Just within the past couple years, I can rattle off the top of my head: the zombie attack on the homeless man; the adulterous astronauts driving in diapers; UF cutting funding for computer science while expanding the football program; the horse-rider getting a DUI; and, well, any of the other innumerable, frankly bizarre complaints we get out of you quite regularly, Florida.

And that's not to mention the fact that, to paraphrase the After Earth trailer, everything in Florida--the fire ants, the alligators, the sink-holes that consume folks whole--has apparently evolved to kill humans.

And no, these incidents aren't all just harmless, "local color," Florida.  Remember Elian Gonzalez?  Election 2000?  Terri Shiavo?  Florida leading the nation in wrongful convictions?  Casey Anthony?  The Qu'ran-burning preacher?   Tim Tebow?  All from you, Florida.  You.  Hurricanes don't do this much damage.  It's bad enough when your behavior harms just yourself, but when it starts harming others, then we really need to put our foot down.

While this whole Trayvon fiasco isn't as bad (and that's saying something!) as, say, the whole Election 2000 blunder, it's nevertheless symptomatic of a larger pattern of repeated, self-destructive behavior that you've clearly shown no intention of curbing, Florida.  So we're going to curb it for you.  Yes, that's right:

Florida, we're going to have to let you go.

Go where?  Frankly, we don't care.  See if Spain takes you back.  Or give the land back to the Caribes.  Or have a go as an independent failed-state maybe.  We'll move NASA to a less hurricane-infested state.  You can keep DisneyWorld.   We've already promoted Puerto Rico to statehood.  Yes, that's right, Puerto Rico has taken your place.

Here's a box; clean out your desk.  Your last paycheck will be mailed to you.  Security will escort you out the door.