Basic New Years Resolutions

Come New Years, many folks form grandiose resolutions to lose weight, eat healthy, exercise, cut all carbs/fats/sugars/etc, get in shape, find love, write a novel, win the superbowl, start a political revolution, and/or burn this mother down.  Yet not only do so many of us fail at these massive goals, but even find ourselves actively regressing.

It's not that I want to discourage grandiose goals, far from it--the more ambitious, the better.  Rather, I would just like to suggest a few super-basic New Years resolutions, certain very simple lines you can refuse to cross, so that if you don't exactly reach your goals this year, you can at least be sure that you do not regress.  For example:

• You can refuse to eat alone at a fast food restaurant. 

Note that I didn't say cut all fast food entirely from your diet and lose weight--that would be an ambitious goal, and a worthy one, too. I'm just saying that in the meantime, until you achieve that goal, a very easy line you can refuse to cross is to eat alone at a fast food restaurant.

You can even still eat alone in your car at the drive-thru, or carry it back to your place to eat alone, or even eat alone at a nice restaurant; but there's just a certain pathetic sadness, a pitiful sense of resignation and defeat, that comes from voluntarily entering a fast-food place, ordering the food, and then just sitting all alone at a booth to eat it, as though you didn't have a single better thing to do--or person to be with--in the whole wide world.  Don't be that person.  Maintain that minimal base-line dignity, it can go a long ways towards improving your sense of self-worth in other areas too, trust me.

• You can not carry a box of cookies to snack on wherever you go.

Story time: A friend once told me of a college roommate who carried Keebler elf cookies in his backpack wherever he went--he didn't eat them so much as inhaled them.  He also kept his closet carefully locked at all times, even requesting that my friend leave the room when he wanted to open it.  This of course filled my friend with insatiable curiosity, like his dorm was suddenly some Gothic novel!  And indeed, one day my friend came home to find the closet unlocked.  Burning with anticipation, he turned the knob, flung it open, and inside were...Keebler elf cookies!  Wall to wall, floor to ceiling, nothing but elf cookies.  Not unsurprisingly, this roommate was also dangerously obese.

Again, note that I don't say you should suddenly cut all cookies and/or sugar from your life--that would also be a worthwhile goal, one that I certainly haven't achieved yet.  But in the meantime, until you get to that point, you can refuse to be the sort of person who carries a box of cookies with you wherever you go.  You can even still keep cookies at home as comfort food if you must, just not on your person at all times.  Maintain that basic level of self-dignity.

• You can refuse to eat at a Mexican restaurant that serves sour cream with absolutely everything.

I used to say to only eat at Mexican restaurants with Spanish words in them ("Michoacana" stands a good chance of being good; "el Taco shack" sends up serious red flags; and something like "Larry's Mexican Grill" should be avoided at all costs; even Del Taco, with its grammatically-nonsensical name, still at least contains Spanish words, and not-coincidentally has OK tacos), but then I ate a place in Vancouver, WA called El Tapatio, and it was literally the worst.  What can one do?

The best I've come up with is to analyze the menu: if near every menu item comes with a side of sour cream, ditch it.  Mexicans in Mexico never eat sour cream, sour cream is gross and disgusting and you should feel gross and disgusting for eating it, and that same level of gross and disgusting carries over to their other food, too.  Have some slightly higher standards with your Mexican--avoid places that serve sour cream.

• You can refuse to wear sweatpants and/or PJs outside the house post-High School.

We all did it.  No shame in it.  We wore our PJs to school some bleary, winter mornings.  We were almost making a statement of sorts, against the vanity of fashion and the suffocating impositions of decorum, by showing up to homeroom in our sweatpants.

But at some point in our maturity it is not enough to simply make a statement, no, one must also act--and the great revolts of history were not accomplished in sweats.  Even dirty hippies protesting Vietnam at least put on some denim in the morning.  At some point, wearing PJs all day long becomes less a sign of protest than of resignation and self-defeat.  Again, this is not to speak out against sweats or PJs in the least--few pleasures are greater than lounging around a warm fire place on a winter's eve clad only in plaid.  I'm just saying that, for the sake of your self-respect, to change into something else to wear outside the house once you've reached legal voting age.

And perhaps closely related to this is: college girls, you can choose not to wear black leggings every. single. day.  I understand that right now they are considered "fashionable" (whatever that means); I understand that they're "comfortable" (though I confess I've never associated tight-clothing with comfort); and I understand that it's hell finding flattering, form-fitting jeans.  And again, I'm not even saying to quit wearing leggings altogether, I'm not so quixotic as that.  I'm just suggesting, maybe at least once a week, you put on a pair of pants, or even just throw a skirt over your leggings.  Practice that baseline level of self-respect.  See how you feel.