1. Don't.
2. Do something else.
But let's say your fiancee specifically has a midnight kiss on New Years as the ball drops on Times Square on her bucket list, firmly and irrevocably; well, you can't exactly let some other guy give her that kiss, now can you! Plus, she works in the airline industry and so can fly you into JFK for dirt cheap, and it's just churlish to turn you nose up at a deal like that. In which case, a slightly-revised list of steps are required:
1. If you fly a red eye there New Years Eve morning, and if you got any movie gift cards for Christmas, consider using them the morning of: specifically, get a ticket to some inoffensive film in Midtown Manhattan you don't care about and sit in very back of the theater, with an eye-mask and ear-plugs, and take a good long nap. You will have needed it later, trust me.
2. Do not, I repeat, do not drink anything throughout the day. There is no food besides what you carry, no water except in what bottles you bring in, and no restrooms save those self-same bottles. Make no mistake, people use 'em--and if you have to use 'em too, it is much harder to get past the socially-conditioned mental block against peeing in front of literally a million people (and I am using "literally" correct here) than you might suspect.
3. Start finding lines to stand in around noon. (Or pay $800 a head to reserve a seat at an Olive Garden or Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory or any of the other sub-par chain-restaurants that line Times Square--you are either paying in time or in money).
4. Do not bring a backpack; post-Paris, the NYPD ain't pullin' no punches, and you will be forced to abandon it to the streets, never to be seen again.
5. By about 3pm, you will be herded into your pen (accurately named), in which you will be angrily discouraged from sitting down by an overworked NYPD that most certainly did not get into this business to babysit a bunch of tourists (for you will be surrounded by nothing but tourists who have no clearer idea as to what is going on than you; actual New Yorkers avoid Times Square like the plague come New Years).
6. 6pm they actually raise the ball up. Cheer. It's long past the time to start finding reasons to cheer yourself up, and you still have 6 hours to go.
7. Cheer on the various performers, even during their sound checks--yeah, I'm not a huge Carrie Underwood fan either, but she's way better than listening to nothing.
8. The actual program starts at 8pm. Start slow-dancing with your partner within what little space you have; actually let yourself enjoy the cheesy-pop blaring over the loud-speakers; get your body moving and your body-heat up, because even layering up may not be enough.
9. Take turns surreptitiously sitting on the tiny camp-stool you brought (because the NYPD only cares about the bombs that could be hidden in backpacks, they couldn't care less about camp stools).
10. Memorize all the ads running on Times Square; you'll see them all at least 1,000 times. This may have the added side-benefit of inoculating you against advertising in general, as you will henceforth have a visceral reaction against any and all of them.
11. Post pics to social media. If you're gonna freeze your butt off out there, you might as well at least make people jealous of it.
12. Come 11:59, you better start shouting out that countdown as loudly as you can; it's not just the end of this last year but the end of the last 12 hours of your life specifically that you are celebrating. You made it, endured it, did it. You now have bragging rights forever. Let yourself get excited. Give your lover a big, wet, sloppy kiss at the stroke of midnight. Slow-dance to Sinatra's "New York, New York" while the confetti rains down all around you. Live in this moment, treasure it, ensure that this is the scene that is engraved into your memory for the rest of your life, the one you can recall with good-humor and a wry smile for decades to come and tell your kids about, rather than the 12-hour human-rights violation that preceded it.
And when your fiancee exclaims in ecstasy "It was all worth it!" you sure better respond with, "Yes, dear."
LOL.
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