Day of the Dead

A short story in five parts. Fiction.

1

I went to Mexico as a reporter; there’s no such thing as an objective reporter, incidentally. You become a part of whatever you report. I’ve made my peace with it. I’ve made my peace with a lot of things. Never by choice.

I was walking along the rows of shops—temporary stands, set up only for the month of October, selling their wares for el día de los muertos, The Day of the Dead. A holiday unique to Mexico, which I always found curious, since the alliteration is so much more pleasing to the English ear than the Spanish. Two voiced alveolar plosives, that hard “deh” sound, “D-ay” of the “D-ea-D,” a harsh stop of air that brings a sudden halt, like the sudden cessation of breath that comes with death itself. A triple-decker of ds, at that—a double-death, further enunciating what the day is about, death. Day of the Dead should’ve been an English holiday, I’m telling you. Or at least an American.

But it’s a Mexican one instead; it will always be foreign to us, it will always be foreign to me, just as death will always be more than we can face, just as life will always be more than we can bear. Because that’s the other thing about being a reporter—no matter how much you become a part of what you report, it will never fully be part of you, it will always be othered, foreign, alien, outside of you. I’ve made my peace with it. I’ve made my peace with a lot of things. Never by choice.

These rows of shops, I called them temporary stands, but only in the sense that they’re up only a month a year. As I interviewed some of these owners they revealed that some of these stands had been in the family since the 1910 Revolution. Emilio Zapata was riding around for real, and not just as a spectre haunting the hills of Morelos, overlooking the small shops and gringa stands scattered across the Republic, when this family began selling skeletons dressed as mariachi singers.

“You talk too much,” said Mike, while I examined a skeleton shaped chocolate bar. Everything has to be skeletons with Day of the Dead; they euphemize nothing, they have no equivalent phrases for “passed away” or “kicked the bucket” or what have you, people, loved ones, forgotten ones, all “se murio,” all just die, and become skeletons.

“I don’t recall saying any of that outloud,” I replied at last, “Or saying any of that to you, anyways.”

“No, I told you that first day of High School, don’t you remember? You talk too much, it puts people off, you’ll make more friends if you just keep your mouth shut, is all I’m sayin.”

“I remember.”

“Dammit man, look at me, it’s me, Mike! Your good buddy Mike; I was, like, your best friend Freshmen year.”

“I think you were my only friend,” I replied, “And I bitterly resented every moment of it.”

“Ah, is that’s how it’s gonna be?” he said, “Dude, let me tell you what, if it wasn’t for me, you’d of just cried yourself every day in the bathroom after school, crying, crying that nobody liked you!”

“Yeah, I learned to stop crying,” I said as I tried to translate a poster for sale in my head:

No vale nada la vida

La vida no vale nada

Comienza siempre llorando

Y así llorando se acaba.

Up in the states we’re normally just content to have a banner read, “Happy Halloween!” But this isn’t Halloween, and certainly isn’t the states.

“Hey, man, you can read that?” Michael asks me.

“Life means nothing, nothing means life, it begins in crying, and so in crying ends,” I translate.

“Dude, that’s depressing,” he says.

“It rhymes better in Spanish.”

“You always did pay attention in Mrs. Fay’s class,” he reminisces, “Everyone else was just trying to get the stupid elective out of the way—the Mexicans were just tryin’ to get an easy A! Ya remember? Honest to God, the only Spanish word I learned was ‘fea,’ because I knew it meant ‘ugly’ and I could call her ‘Mrs. Ugly’ whenever I wanted!”

“Uh-huh.” I looked at the Mexican wrestling masks; always so colorful in the late afternoon sun.

“But you man, you,” he continued, “You seemed to actually want to learn! Well, I’m glad it all panned out for you, you actually learned Spanish, I knew you would.”

“I didn’t learn Spanish in High School,” I say off-handedly.

He jogs up to keep pace with me as I meander along. “Well, where the hell did you learn Spanish, if not in Mrs. Fay’s class?” he asks me.

"Oh, you learned right here in Mexico?" he said at last.

"No, I knew Spanish long before I came here," I replied.

"Dude, where've you been?"

For the first time I stop casually and look him in the eye. “Michael, High School happened a long time ago. Many things came after High School. In fact, High School is a distant memory.”

I keep walking. “Oh, is that’s how it is?” he repeats, “You’ve already forgotten your good buddy Mike, all he did to keep your spirits up Freshmen year, that’s all nothing, I’m forgotten now, a distant memory?”

I answer by walking silently.

“C’mon, man,” he tries again, “Do you remember anything about me at all? The mere fact that I’m here talking to you at all must mean I mean something to you, right?”

“Mike, I cried all night the night you died,” I say casually, pausing to take a picture.

“Oh, no, you didn’t,” he cocks his head, “After all the things I did to you? I used you cruelly, man, I don’t deny it for a second. I bet you breathed a sigh of relief when you heard the news.”

“I cried all night,” I repeated, “But I haven’t cried since, don't get me wrong.”

“Dude, I know you better than that,” he said, “I may’ve only known you Freshmen year, but I know you better than that.”

“Do you now,” I said nonchalantly, making a note on my press pad.

“You weren’t just crying over me, give me a little credit, man.”

I turned and faced him again. “Yes, Michael, you’re right,” I say dispassionately, “I was crying that I didn’t go to that party with you, because there was drinking, and I was too scared to go somewhere where there was drinking, and hated that I was too scared, and hated that even if I wasn’t too scared you would’ve been the only person I could’ve hung out with, and I hated that I resented my only friend so much, and hated that I wasn’t there to stop you from getting in that car, and angry that I probably wouldn’t have been able to stop you even if I had been there.”

He stepped back a little, his face falling a little. “You really got over me, didn't you,” he said at last, “Not a tear, not even a quiver for your old buddy Mike.”

“I’ve made my peace with it,” I said, pulling out my camera to take some more pictures of the displays, “I’ve made my peace with a lot of things.”

“You’ve changed, man,” he said, “You’ve really changed from the scared little boy I tormented in High School, haven’t you.”

“I should certainly hope so,” I said, purchasing a dulce. “Cinco pesos” said the shop owner. “Gracias,” I smile, accepting my change for a veinte.

“Are those good?” Michael asked me.

“I like ‘em,” I replied.

“My, my, my,” he enthused, “Things certainly have changed since High School; things have changed since freshman year, even, I suppose. I guess none of it really mattered after all, what happened back then.”

I pause for a second. “I’m sure if you’d lived, you’d still be living in the olden days,” I said at last, “Most everyone does. I try not to.”

He laughed out loud at that one. “I’ll say!” he snorted, “But hey, I’m gonna call you out man; if you’re not living in the past with everyone else, then why am I here, huh? Why did you remember me here?”

“I think the better question is why did you come here,” I said.

And then I saw something I’d never seen him do before, something that caused me to think maybe this wasn’t really a hallucination, a memory gone wild, but perhaps a ghost after all, preparing to visit his loved ones on the Day of the Dead.

He began to tear up.

Not cry, mind you (I’m not entirely sure the Dead can), but it was a dejected look, a sad vulnerability, like he’d never shown before.

“I guess I…I…I’m just looking for someone to remember me, is all,” he said at last.

“Michael,” I said walking ahead without looking at him, “I never forgot you.”

2

This was in Guadalajara, mind you; named for a much smaller city in Spain. It’s an Arabic name, meaning “singing rocks,” like in a brook, left over from the Moorish occupation, before the reconquest of 1492, and the conquest of the Aztecs soon afterwards. But Day of the Dead was an Aztec holiday first, but it soon conquered the conquistadores instead. Wherever the Spanish have conquered they’ve been conquered right back, from the Arabs to the Aztecs, they couldn’t fight them with their swords and steel.

The town Centro of Guadalajara is filled with Baroque buildings from that first colonization—towering edifices, breath-taking in their beauty, proclaiming the glory of an empire that long ago disappeared off the earth. And beneath these noble shadows, shops, restaurants, hotels, tourists, from both near and abroad. It was while walking these cobble-stone streets that Jessica caught up with me.

“How’s the kid,” I asked.

“How did you know I had a kid?” she asked with that mischievous smile of hers, her amber hair glowing in the sun.

“Heard it through the grape vine,” I said, still not looking at her.

“I have a second on the way now,” she said coyly, like she always did.

“Good for you.”

“You never did meet my husband, did you,” she said flashing her pearly whites.

“I’m sure he’s a wonderful man,” I remarked, striding into a wall-side restaurant, “Dos gringas, por favor, con carne del pastor y chonchillo.”

She giggled flirtatiously. “You’re so cute when you speak Spanish!”

“Why don’t you go bug your husband, instead,” I said, waiting for my food.

“Oh, is that anyway to talk to your lover?” she pouted with those irresistible baby blues.

“Jessica,” I said, at last turning to look at her, though it pained me to, “If you have a second kid on the way, then by that very grammatical construction you must still be alive, so what are you doing here?”

“Ooh, such deductive logic,” she cooed teasingly, “You must be a genius or something!”

“Una Coca tambien, por favor,” I ordered. Mexican Cokes use real can sugar, not high fructose corn syrup, like in the states; makes it sweeter, hits the spot on an 85 degree day.

“I never died, at least not yet, of course,” she continued, “But I’m pretty sure our love did, honey.”

“Dead and buried, huh,” I took a sip.

“Oh, c’mon sexy, it wasn’t that easy to get over me, was it?”

“Was it that easy for you?”

Finally she dropped her heavenly smile and heaved a sigh. “I waited forever for you, you know,” she said at last.

“I know,” I said, accepting my change from the waiter.

“You don’t know how many nights I lost over you, waiting for you to come around, trying to forget you and never being able to.”

“I can imagine.”

“You know, at any moment you could’ve had me, do you know that?”

“I was aware.”

“Any time, you could’ve taken me back, and I would’ve come running into your arms.”

“I know.”

“Said the word, and I would’ve been putty in your hands. You could’ve proposed to me, and I would’ve said ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ a million times over.”

“Aquí, señor,” said the cook, serving me my plate; gringas are like quesadillas, only larger and with much more meat inside; a Guadalajara local favorite. I picked up a lime and squeezed the juice on it.

“I would’ve been yours forever, I wanted to be yours forever.” Now she sat on the stool next to me and smiled again. “But then one day, the fever broke, the spell disappeared, and I didn’t want you anymore.”

I took a bite from my gringa, chewed thoughtfully. “I know,” I said after swallowing.

“Dead and buried,” she echoed, “And when Matthew asked me out—that’s my husband, you really should meet him, a wonderful man, like you said—well, he caught me at the right time, and I fell madly in love…”

“You were always good at that,” I said, taking another bite.

“I’ll just ignore that last comment, honey-bunches!” she giggled, slapping my arm playfully, “I loved you so long, I guess that love sort of just took on a life of its own, because now that it’s dead and buried it still wonders the earth after you.”

I took another sip to wash down my gringa.

“So, yeah,” she became serious again, “It took me far longer than you, but I did finally get over you.”

Now I turned and looked at her, puzzled by her comment. “Jessica,” I said, “I never got over you.”

She blinked a few times, like she did whenever she got choked up at a bad chick-flick. “You mean…you still…”

“Mm-hm,” I said, taking another bite.

“Well,” she sighed at last, “Just so you know, I really did! Get over you, I mean. Our love is long dead and buried, like I said and I will never ask for you again. I don’t even think of you when I look in his eyes; I don’t consider what our babies would’ve looked like instead. I don’t even compare you to him when we kiss, just so you know.”

I took a sip of coke.

“It seems like you were trying to spare me, spare my feelings, if I recall right,” she said thoughtfully, “But I guess you’re the one who needs to be spared, huh, babe?”

“I’ve made my peace with it, babe,” I replied, lifting the Coke to my lips without looking at her, “I’ve made my peace with a lot of things.”

3

If you want to experience a foreign country, you must ride their public transportation. You can tell a lot the character, the spirit, of a country, by how punctual their buses pass, or how hard the driver takes the turns down narrow alleys, or how passionately lovers kiss while sandwiched between drunks, school children, elderly women selling dulces for a peso apiece, shoppers, and day laborers on their way home to their families. During rush hour there’s standing room only in Guadalajara. But late at night or middle of the day, you can have a couple seats to yourself.

“Well, hello-uh there, my boy!” said the old man, sitting next to me, in spite of the near empty bus.

“Hi grandpa,” I said, not looking up.

“And-uh, how do ya like ol’ Me-hee-co?” He always loved to over-pronounce the h-sounded “x” in Mexico.

“I’m enjoying it,” I said, still looking out the window, admiring the shops that must be a mundane view for them.

“And what sorts-a sights are ya seein, ma’ boy?”

I pulled out my press-pad to review my notes. “Nothing I haven’t seen already.”

“Oh, ma’ boy,” he almost sang, “You gotta see new things every day, or you’ll start to grow old, like me! Seeing new things is what makes each day worth it; otherwise the days just fly by, and then one day you’re 90 years old, and you wonder where the days went.” Like he ever got old, really.

“I’ve seen plenty of new things, grandpa.”

His eye gleamed. “I'm sure ya think so, my blessed boy,” he said with a wink.

I got off at my stop. He followed me. We were at another park filled with Day of the Dead shops, displaying their wares. “You know, you weren’t just another grandson to me,” he began again, “I always took a sort-a likin’ to ya, even from the first time your Momma showed you off to me…”

I looked at the pavement as I stepped. “I appreciate it, grandpa.”

“No, I’m not sure you quite do yet, ma’ boy,” he continued, “I loved all my grandkids, ma’ boy, and I think I saw through all of you better then ye all saw yourselves.”

I approached a stand and examined the figurines, one by one; there were handmade skeletons teaching class, playing trumpets, playing soccer (futbol, excuse me), getting married (the Freudian implications there were staggering), dancing, sitting on the toilet (that one made me smirk), even little skeleton pall-bearers.

“And I love ya’ll anyways,” he chuckled, “Each and every one of ya! That should provide ya with a bitten of perspective, dunnit, ma’ boy?”

I confessed I smiled a bit. “Beauty in everyone, eh?”

“I’ve made my peace with it,” he smiled, winking at me.

“I’ve made my peace with a lot of things,” I said to myself.

“Have ya, now?” he cocked his head towards me, stroked his white mustache, “Ma’ boy, I’m not sure yous is quite ol’ enough to understand what it means to make peace with somethin’.”

“What does it mean to make peace with somethin’,” I said quickly. The Mexicans, it seemed, didn’t take much notice of me seemingly talking to myself, I considered. Guero loco, they probably thought, just another crazy white guy who thinks he can change by crossing borders.

“What does it mean to make peace with somethin’?” he declared in that dramatic pause that old people know how to use, that infuriates you because they of all people should not want to waste time you consider, though you miss that joyful drag terribly once they’re gone, “Ma’ boy, ma’ good-hearted boy, it means exactly what it means! There’s a peace, and you make it, simple as that. No hidden puzzles to confuse and confound ya, no, ma’ boy, to make peace is as plain-spoken as the nose on yer face; you know you’ve made peace cause there’s a peace that follows.”

He paused again, before continuing with, “Have you had a peace follow, ma’ boy? Have ye really made peace?”

“Never by choice,” I replied.

He roared at that one. “Oh, ma’ good boy!” he laughed, wiping a tear from his eye—a tear from laughter, “ye just might learn yet, ye might just learn yet!”

I couldn’t help but ask, “Learn what, exactly?”

“Ma’ boy, you’re still so very young,” he said, “I know you think you’re old already, but you’ve got a whole life in front of ye to make peace with.”

I put down a figurine I'd been examining. “Hey Grandpa.”

“Yes, ma’ boy.”

“I miss you terribly.”

“I know, I know…” He said cheerfully, patting me paternally on the back.

4

There is an appropriate run-up festival to the Day of the Dead here in Guadalajara; the Catholic festival of the procession of the Virgin of Zapopan, on the 12 of October. In the states, October 12 is of course Columbus Day, and a time for school children to crudely crayon out three brown ships in descending size and rhyme-ability—the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. In Mexico, however, there is no observance of Christopher Columbus’ fateful sighting of the Americas; nor are there monuments to Cortez, nor Universities named for Pizzaro. None of the conquistadores that shaped modern Mexico are remembered—for though the Mexicans speak the language of their conquerors, they pride instead in the blood of the Aztecs they brutalized. Hence, when a two foot statue is carried from the Cathedral in Guadalajara to the Bascillica in Zapopan, the little-lady will beat the Italian navigator every time.

Which I found to be exceedingly curious, since the religion through which they snub Columbus is the same faith the Italian imported over. For though the Mexicans may by and large be Aztec in ancestry, that bloodline is irrevocably mixed with the Spanish,as well—unlike the English, the Spanish married their conquests, rather than just slaughter them. I wondered sometimes what I would be like if my Puritan ancestors had married into the Delewares, the Hurons, the Cherokee, the Navajo. Perhaps the states would have a Day of the Dead, too, and we could finally claim the alliteration for our own.

But we don’t, and I’ve made peace with it (I’ve made peace with a lot of things), and so, though I could learn all I needed about the Virgin of Zapopan by the surfing the net, I decided that that’s not why I came to Mexico. So I got up at 4AM to join the throngs of the faithful, men, women, and children of all ages, whole families, to line the streets all the way from Guadalajara to Zapopan, waiting for their chance to glimpse and pay their respects to the Virgin.

Not that there wasn’t a show; when they call it a procession they mean a procession—a parade passes of native-dressed dancers, mariachi bands, priests, nuns, and children dressed as ghouls for the coming holiday. The excitement of the crowd kept me from drifting asleep again, and my vigilance was at last was rewarded when a grand wagon wheeled by to great fanfare, and someone in the crowd would cry out jubilantly, “¡Mira la Virgen de Zapopan!” and all the faithful around her echoed back, “¡Mira!”

“What does mira mean?” he asked me.

It took me a moment to recognize him. “Alex!” I exclaimed at last, “Oh, no, don’t tell me you’re dead, too!”

“Fallujah offensive, ’06,” he said with his trademark grin, “Roadside bomb, didn’t even see it coming.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that,” I say dejectedly.

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault, don’t worry about it.” I snort.

“I wasn’t accepting responsibility,” I say facetiously.

“So, hey, hey, you didn’t answer my question, what does ‘mira’ mean?”

“‘Look,’” I tell him.

“Look, the Virgin de Zapopan, eh?” he smiles good-naturedly, “That’s profound man, that’s profound.”

“Well, what are you doing here?” I ask, “I haven’t seen you since college, and I don’t think we were ever that close even then.”

“Hey, man, I’ve been dead a few years now,” he leans in, “It’s not like you were on the top of my list or anything.”

“Of course not,” I can’t help but smile. He was never anything but good natured. For some reason, he was the last person I expected to drop out of college and join the Army.

“I have been thinking of you though, man,” he says at last.

“The dead think?” I ask.

“Well, yeah, man, it’s not like we got a whole lot else to do,” he chuckles.

“I see.” Silence between us for a minute.

“That seems to bother you,” he notes, “What’s up, man, you’re not the kind of guy I’d expect to be bothered by having time to think.”

“I do like to think,” I confess, “But to have nothing else to do but…”

“Oh, man, it’s not like that!” he laughs, “Besides, it’s a different kind of thinking, really; you make your peace with things.”

“I’ve made my peace with a lot of things,” I begin.

At that he really roared.

“What?” I ask, a little irritated, as he wipes the tears of joy from his eyes.

“Oh, you living!” he manages, before bursting out laughing again.

“Oh, what, we’re a sub-group now?” I note wryly.

“My friend,” he says, finally composing himself, “You may not have thought of it this way, but you guys are so in the minority! There’s almost none of you, really, and are here for almost no time at all. You think you’ve made peace with things? And you’re alive? Man oh man oh man, I don’t even know where to begin with that one!”

His laughter was infectious, so in spite of myself, I couldn’t help but chuckle too. “That’s what I liked about you,” I said at last, “You were always so good-natured, nothing ever got the best of ya, you know that?”

“Oh, stop,” he said dismissively, “I was tortured by things too, man, we all are. I just hid it well, I suppose.”

It was another minute of silence before it finally occurred to me to ask: “So, what’s it like?”

“To die, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

Now he fell silent; his eyes got lost in the distance, probably the most pensive I’d ever seen him. “I would say…hm…man, it’s like a…I would say it’s like a fog lifting, but that’s not quite it, either...” He turned to face me, “It’s something you really have to experience for yourself, before we can talk about it, you understand?”

“No, not really,” I confessed, “I guess’ll find out soon enough, eh?”

“Eh, don’t be in a hurry,” he shrugged, “I know everyone says this, but everyone says this cause its true, man—just enjoy the moment you’re in, that’s all. The past, the future, man—it’s all one, really, all in the same moment.

“No, wait, man, listen to me for a second, seriously!” My attention had drifted away into thought, but now I turned to listen to him. “You know how many sunsets I watched in Iraq? The most brilliant colors come out of the horizon in the Iraqi desert. Took my breath away every time. And sometimes, even if it’d been a long day of fighting before, I’d still get up early enough the next morning to make sure I caught the sunrise, because it was just too brilliant to miss!

"You know, I’d actually volunteer for patrol duty outside the green zone? 'Cause that was where the stars were the most brilliant, and I tell ya, it doesn’t matter how bad things get, when you’re staring at the stars, away from the city lights, everything’s right, everything’s alright. Oh man oh man, I’m tellin’ ya, you shoulda’ been there man! You of all people woulda’ appreciated it...”

“I shoulda’ been in Iraq, huh?” I smirked.

“You should see the beauty around you,” he said, “It’s everywhere, waiting for you, no matter where...”

Finally I confess. “Alex, I wish I’d gotten to know ya better back in college.”

“You know I was thinking the same thing?” he said, “I wish I’d gotten to know you better, too.”

“It’s not like we hate each other or anything…”

“Oh, no, not even close! We just should’ve been better friends, is all. That’s why I decided to see how you was doin’, you know?”

“Making peace with things?” I asked.

“You betcha.”

5

The Day of the Dead itself is November 1^st, but you wouldn’t need a calendar to let you know; my widowed landlady, for example, had candle-lit shrines up to her dead loved ones. But it wasn’t a quiet night to herself—she had her children and grandchildren visiting, loud music playing, and fine tequila flowing. It’s not a time of mourning, you see—they did their mourning at the funeral—it’s a time of celebration, for this is a family reunion; even her dead husband will be their to dance with them.

But it’s at the cemeteries where the Day of the Dead is clearest of all; candles are lit and scattered through out all tombs, some with one or two, some blazing bright beneath the devotions of the multitude. It caused me to furrow my brow to consider that even in death there is popularity and loneliness.

And it was while I walked the candle-lit cobblestones of one of the city’s oldest cemeteries that I heard her walking beside me at last. “Hi, hon,” she chirped.

“Hey Mom,” I replied, not looking up.

“How was your day?” she said, as though I were just getting home from school.

“Turned in a couple pieces to my editor,” I replied, still fixated on the cobblestone, “Did some research on another.”

“So you decided to become a journalist after all.”

“I always said I would.”

“It’s really competitive out there,” she warned, “And I’ve heard that the newspaper industry itself is falling apart, so it’s only going to get harder out there for you. Oh, my son, are you sure you don’t want to still look for a career in something a little more…stable? Secure? Why, with your talents…”

“Look, Mom,” I turn to her, “It’s wonderful to see you again, more than I can put into words. But doesn’t it strike you as a bit ironic for you to be telling me about a dying industry?”

She looked at me with a perplexed expression, much like the one I’d given Jessica, “My son, what are you talking about?”

“Nothing,” I said sighing, and turned to walk again.

“I just don’t want you to be so reckless, my son,” she began again.

“I’ve been too cautious, Mom,” I replied, “And that’s killed me over and over again. I’ve been reckless ever since, and it’s kept me alive.”

“Eventually it will catch up with you, son,” she admonished, “You can’t runaway forever.”

“Running away?” I nearly shouted, “Mom, you were never reckless, and death caught you anyways, so what difference does it make?”

“Death?” she said, “Son, that’s not what I was talking about.”

Now I was confused. I turned to examine a well-lit tomb, that has a recreation of Michelangelo’s Madonna—the one where the Virgin Maria held her crucified Jesus in her lap.

“My son, my son, my dear, sweet boy…” she began again, putting her hands on my shoulders, “You thought you were already old, a full grown man, when I passed on…”

“Moriste, madre,” I corrected her, “You died Mom, you died, let’s not euphemize—”

“When I passed one,” she gently interrupted, “You thought you were an adult, but you were still just a child, a boy, barely even born. I could still remember holding you in my arms when I passed on, as though no time had passed at all. I knew even then how young you were, and what I feared more than anything, more even than death itself, was that you wouldn’t know how to handle it…”

“I’ve made peace with it, Mom,” I replied, “I’ve made peace with a lot of things, not just you.”

“Never by choice,” she added.

“Never by choice,” I echoed.

Now she put her hands on my face and turned it to face her. The candles and the stars reflected softly in her eyes. “My son, you have more in me than you realize. And I’ve watched you grow more than you realize. And for all you’ve done, I’ve realized that you’ve been afraid—like I was afraid on my deathbed, you’ve been afraid ever since.”

“I know, Mom,” I said, “Believe it or not, I know that. I’ve made peace with—”

“My precious boy, you don’t make peace with fear. To make peace is to not have fear anymore—”

“So has everyone been telling me—” I rolled my eyes.

“Ssh, Ssh,” she said, “I just want you to know, more than anything, that everything will be alright, you’ve been my pride and joy, and everything will be ok, everything will be fine…”

“Mom, I’m…” I didn’t finish.

“Everything will be fine in the end,” she continued, holding my tear filled face to her shoulder, patting my back, “I know you already know it, but you need to do more than know it; everything will be fine, everything will be fine in the end…”

I pulled my face from her shoulder and wiped my eyes. We sat on a nearby bench and watched the pilgrims lay candles on a nearby tomb.

“It’s a beautiful holiday, really,” I said.

“I’m glad I could spend it with you,” she said.

“Mom, I miss you most of all,” I said.

“I know, son,” she said. I turned to gaze on the candles again. They filled the darkness of the cemetery, until they merged with the city lights of Guadalajara over the hill, then to blend into the stars of the moonless sky, till the earth mirroredthe sky as one brilliant canvas of light against the everlasting night.