Yo Mama

"I just don't understand it, Sarge," said Detective Callahan, "A bank robbery! In broad daylight! How is it even possible?"

"Clearly, a highly organized conspiracy," declared Sgt. Steel, overlooking the crime scene, "involving the skills of a safe-cracker, an electronics surveillance expert, an electrician, an escape artist, a make-up artist, possibly some ninjas, along with an intimate knowledge of the bank schedule and security system. Obviously there must have been someone on the inside, possibly bribed by the Corleone mafia. I want a background check of all bank employees and--"

"Yo mama."

"Excuse me?"

And onto the scene merrily waltzed Reginald John Dandy III, impeccably clad in his all white suit, shoes, and tie, striding easily on his cane, cavalierly twirling his mustache; no dirt ever seemed to stick to him. Independently wealthy by inheritance, he'd decided to become a big-city private eye for the sheer sport of it. His keen eye for detail and devastating wit rendered him a thorn in the side of criminals and cops alike.

"Yo mama!" repeated Dandy airily, "I believe I caught the cadences correctly?"

"Get outta here, Dandy-boy!" sneered Steel, "This ain't one-a your small-time petty thefts or adulterous trists to solve with a flourish of your wrist! This is the big time, for big boys only, involving a highly organized criminal outfit that is quite outside your pitiful--"

"Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!" chuckled Dandy in that ineffable way that sent the women blushing out of amusement and the men out of jealousy, "My dear, dear Steel, you quite misunderstand! When I said 'yo mama,' I meant no insult or injury, but rather a statement of fact: the genius behind this very bank robbery is none other than thy mother!"

"Why, you no good, man-whoring scoundrel!" snarled Sgt. Steel, red-faced and shaking his fist, "I've gots half a mind to knock you on your pampered hind-end, and that before I have you arrested for interfering with official police business! Just where do you get off insulting my mutha--"

"These marks in the pavement," cut in Dandy, lightly touching shoe-shaped indents in the sidewalk with his cane, "Are these not your beloved mother's? Yo Mama is indeed so fat she registers on the Richter scale, does she not?"

"Well, yeah," said Steel, flustering more than blustering now, "But that's neither here nor there--"

"And indeed a (admittedly insignificant) 3.4 earthquake was registered by the bank earlier today at roughly the same time of the robbery, was there not?"

"She does that every time she walks outside!" protested Steel, "I mean, c'mon, she's got her own zip code--"

"Yes, yo mama's so fat NASA has satellites orbiting her," added Dandy, "And if I'm not mistaken, that's one of them lodged in the rafters right now," he said, pointing gingerly up at a GPS satellite wedged into the roof of a neighboring building, squished in as though between a rock and an exceedingly hard place.

"Ok, ok, so she was here!" shouted Steel, "But she's also so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes, so how the heck is she gonna rob a bank and disable its security system, huh, Mr. Smarty-pants?"

"Ah, my dear Mr. Steel!" smiled Dandy charmingly, "Yo Mama's so fat that when she visits the bank, the security cameras turn off, do they not?"

"Well, uh, on occasion she's been known to..." stammered Steel, "But! There are security guards--"

"My dear Steel, yo mam's so smelly when she plays in the sand box the cat comes and buries her," replied Dandy, "She so smelly her deodorant went on strike! Surely such a lethal biological weapon had no problem incapacitating the guards within seconds of raising her arms."

"It's true!" said Callahan, "The security guards all reported being knocked out by an overwhelming odor of shrimp platter, raw sewage--"

"--and kitty litter, I know, I know!" said Steel angrily, "I'm familiar with the smell! Alright, Mr. tighty-whitey, so my mother was here at the time of the robbery! So what!? How on earth could she break open the safe then--"

Dandy chuckled again. "Oh, my good officer, you really must excuse me, I find such naivety among the police quite amusing! Good señor Steel, you must be quite aware that yo mama's so fat, she doesn't open doors, they surrender; I doubt she experienced any further difficulty with the safe door."

"Fine!" shouted Steel, "But, then, where would she hide all that money?"

"Good monsieur, yo mama's got more rolls than a Thanksgiving dinner!" said Dandy jovially, "More than enough hiding places for the precious loot, all and all."

"But how could she get away?" fumed Steel, "You don't just miss a woman that size carrying a load of money out of a bank--"

"Oh, my childish Steel," said Dandy, "Yo mama's so ugly when she looks out the window she gets arrested for mooning the public..."

("It's true, I was the arresting officer," said Calahan.)
("Shaddup!" said Steel.)

"...What finer place to hide all those millions than in the most obvious place, the giant sack-o-lard that everyone avoids looking at the most?" concluded Dandy, dandily examining his finger-nails in the air.

"Very entertaining theory, Dandy," seethed Sgt. Steel, "But you're forgetting two things! First, motive..."

"Yo mama's so poor she thinks an elevator's a mobile home," said Dandy offhandedly, "One need not look far for her motive, even if she needs look for her own feet..."

"Second," interrupted Steel, "Intelligence! How could she concoct this elaborate plot all by herself? Remember, she so stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl..."

"Ah, at last, a valid question!" smiled Dandy, "Indeed, yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. No, I'm forced to concur with your hypothesis that there was indeed a conspiracy, though none of the grandiose nature as you initially posited. No, my dear Steel, I'm forced to conclude someone much closer to her put her up to it..."

"Just what are you implying, Reginold Dandy?" said Steel, narrowing his eyes.

"Sarge! Sarge!" said Callahan, getting off the phone, "I sent a patrol car to check on yo mama, and since she's so fat she can be seen from space it wasn't hard to do so; all the bank money was found on her!"

Steel went pail. "Did she give any info on her... I mean, on the, uh...the, uh..."

"My dear Detective Calahan!" declared Dandy nobly, "Sgt. Steel's mama so fat she eats wheat thicks. Might any of these delectable wheat thicks be found on his person now?"

Calahan checked. "There...are....Sarge, where did these come from?"

Steel went white, blubbered for a moment, then turned off sprinting. A pile of cops soon tackled and cuffed him. "I'll get you, Dandy!" he shouted as he was carried off, "No prison can hold me! There's no place you can hide!"

"Of course there is!" laughed Reginald John Dandy III, striding off triumphantly, "Yo mama's so fat when you roll of her you gotta roll twice!"